A Fantasy Guide to the Premier League’s Broken Dreams

Here is the breakdown of the “Most Disappointing Signings” list, flipped from the perspective of the fans in the stands and on X (Twitter).

The “He’s Rubbish, But He’s OUR Rubbish” Tier

Players who are struggling, but the fans are still singing their name because of ‘Pashun’ and effort.

Football Mantra

The “Groan Zone” Tier

Players who make the entire stadium take a deep breath of frustration every time they touch the ball.

Viktor Gyokeres (Arsenal)

• Fan Verdict: Patience is running thin.
• The Vibe: We paid £55m for a “killer” and got a guy who traps the ball further than most people can kick it. The Emirates is quiet; there’s a collective murmur of annoyance every time a counter-attack dies at his feet.
• What the fans are saying: “We should have just kept Jesus fit. Bring Havertz back up top. This guy is just Lukaku 2.0.”

Milos Kerkez (Liverpool)

• Fan Verdict: The “Heart Attack” Player.
• The Vibe: Every time the opposition winger gets the ball, the Kop covers its eyes. He’s too erratic. He tackles like he’s playing FIFA with the slide settings turned up to 100.
• What the fans are saying: “I miss Robbo. This kid has energy but absolutely zero brain cells defensively. He’s going to cost us the title.”

Anthony Elanga (Newcastle)

• Fan Verdict: The Frustrating Speedster.
• The Vibe: We loved signing him, but now it’s just pure irritation. He beats three men and then passes it to the ball boy.
• What the fans are saying: “All pace, no end product. It’s like watching Almiron all over again but expensive. Just cross the ball, man!”

The “Invisible Men” Tier

Do they even play for us?

Jamie Gittens (Chelsea)

• Fan Verdict: Who?
• The Vibe: Chelsea signs so many players that fans barely had time to learn his chant before he got benched by Garnacho/Palmer/Madueke.
• What the fans are saying: “Another Boehly masterclass. £52m for a guy who sits on the bench. I’d rather see an academy kid play.”

Randal Kolo Muani (Spurs)

• Fan Verdict: The definition of “Meh.”
• The Vibe: Spurs fans are used to pain, but this is just boring. He’s not exciting enough to love, not controversial enough to hate. He’s just there, not scoring goals.
• What the fans are saying: “Does he actually offer anything? Richarlison is chaos, Solanke tries… Kolo Muani just runs around a bit. Pointless loan.”

The “Sympathy” Tier

Players the fans actually feel sorry for.

Harvey Elliott (Aston Villa)

• Fan Verdict: #FreeHarvey.
• The Vibe: Villa fans don’t hate him; they just forget he’s there. Liverpool fans feel bad because he’s a boyhood Red stuck in limbo. He’s a pawn in a managerial game.
• What the fans are saying: “The lad just wants to play football. It’s cruel what Emery is doing to him. Let him go.”

Alexander Isak (Liverpool)

• Fan Verdict: Heartbroken.
• The Vibe: Newcastle fans hate him (snake!), but Liverpool fans are just depressed. They bought a Ferrari and the engine fell out on day one. There’s no anger at the player, just anger at the universe/medical team.
• What the fans are saying: “We are cursed. We finally sign a world-class 9 and his leg falls off. See you next season, I guess.”

The “He’s Rubbish, But He’s OUR Rubbish” Tier

Players who are struggling, but the fans are still singing their name because of ‘Pashun’ and effort.

Thierno Barry (Everton)

• Fan Verdict: Cult Hero in the making.
• The Vibe: Look, he can’t hit a barn door. We know this. But the article says he played 20 minutes with a dislocated shoulder and runs himself into the ground? That is instant Goodison Park heritage.
• What the fans are saying: “He runs like a headless chicken, but at least he cares. I’d take him over a lazy mercenary any day. Once he scores, the roof is coming off.”